If I had only one message for all women out there, then it was this one:
Women, please make love to yourselves, understand the art of making love: To yourself, to your partner, and to the world at large.
Make love to yourselves unapologetically. In all ways and forms possible. Please, do yourselves this favor.
The hustle, the fast pace of our modern world has gotten us trapped, so much so, that we don’t even realize it until we are totally exhausted and burnt out.
We’ve been disconnected from our bodies for eons. We’ve forgotten about being at ease, and effortlessly moving with the flow of life. Being open. Receiving. Feeling and embodying the beauty of life. And most importantly owning our sexual energy.
Instead, we’ve been put into these boxes aka offices, into a man-made world of competition and combat, where there’s never been a place for the Feminine to fully express her unique and important gifts in first place.
As a side note: Men are not to blame. Don’t get me wrong. They are equally affected by it, if not even worse. Yes, I said it, I think men suffer even more as a result of it. And it’s very sad. But that’s another conversation for another day.
Reconnecting with our bodies as the divine vessels they are.
One wonderful way to get back to and connect with ourselves, apart from exercise, dance, healthy food, and spending time in nature and with other women, is in my opinion feeling and touching our bodies. Reconnecting with our divine temples on a regular basis.
When I, for example, tense up, I take some time out and have a date with myself.
I have a reminder that tells me to carve out time, especially on those days when I’m convinced that I don’t have any time at all. That’s when I need it the most.
Sometimes it’s just for 10 minutes, and sometimes I need an hour or more to soften into and feel my feminine again. Sometimes it simply takes a while to fully come back to my body and be more present with my heart.
Getting out of the head to feel.
I don’t know about you, but I am an overly intellectual person. Believe it or not, my analytical mind is quite strong. And with ADD my brain is literally never taking a break. My lovely friend calls it ‘everywhere brain’. So it’s hard for me to know when to take a break and to notice when I lean into my masculine side too much. In the past I’d only notice it when my feminine was already totally agitated, frustrated, and deprived. But I’ve been learning…
Unfortunately, I see this with a lot of women, in my private coaching practice and in my day-to-day.
And that’s why I feel so strongly about embodiment practices for women, and one essential practice for embodiment is self-pleasure.
As an entrepreneur, I especially need to balance my energy. So, in between work, when I’ve been too much or too long in my masculine and in doing-mode, apart from my meditations, I make extra time and give myself orgasms or simply some gentle, loving touch.
Not just for the sake of having an orgasm but more so for the connection that I get with myself when I create that sacred space for reconnecting with my breath and really feeling my body and the feminine energies move through me.
It’s a spa date for free basically. I light candles, I diffuse my favorite essential oils and turn on some relaxing music. Because this is what I need in those moments: Relaxation.
It’s a game changer. Within minutes my state of being changes for the better and I feel more vitalized, soft and relaxed.
Overcoming years of sexual shame
In my adolescence or in my 20’s, when I used to self-pleasure I didn’t make time to really and consciously touch myself, I didn’t look at myself through the eyes of love and beauty. I only went for the quick, clitoral orgasm.
Way back then, I felt ashamed of my body and I felt ashamed of being sexual, of being a woman with curves and thighs.
I didn’t use self-pleasure for giving myself a wonderful time and connecting with myself. Like many of us, I mostly used it unconsciously to release stuck energy and to quickly make me feel better.
Releasing stuck energy happens automatically when we surrender to conscious pleasure, but I was so disconnected from myself and my body during those years that I didn’t know better. I didn’t have strong role models and also not the education.
Sexual education – argh, don’t even let me get started on that. That’s also another conversation for another time.
Now I know it has so much to do with worthiness and feeling worthy to receive. Deep down I knew that there was more, way more than that. It was a hunger for the real thing. I guess, a lot of women have felt it before they finally broke free.
I truly believe – because I can speak from my own experience – that when we start exploring ourselves sexually and sensually, getting intimate with our own bodies, making love to ourselves, when we understand what feels good to us, and what we like in bed, and what we don’t like and we keep exploring our sensuality, that is when we can build and create really wonderful, fulfilling and meaningful relationships, not only with ourselves but also with our partners, our family, and friends. It goes far deeper than just the physical aspect of sex.
Pleasure is more than what you think it is.
There are many different kinds of pleasure and I’ll be diving into them in a minute, but for now I wanna say that the first thing to do is to allow for pleasure in our lives, in our day-to-day, especially in the mundane things of life. Seeing the beauty in everything, because beauty is pleasure, the real pleasure.
It’s important to heal our wounds, the shame around pleasure, to heal our suppressed sexual expression, and combat shame. And by opening up on a deeper level we make space for the healing to take place.
Pleasure is not a sin.
When we look at religion we often find that pleasure is a sin, that being sensual and sexual is a sin.
Which is so absurd when we think about the fact that we all come from sex, and that every creation is sexual energy. We are sexual beings, and to deny that is to deny our very existence, is to deny ourselves.
Sexual energy is the most powerful energy, heaven forbid if humans actually realized that! That was my little rant for today.
Reclaiming our sexuality and sensuality.
Because I’ve been there myself. I could feel how much dogma there is. How much indoctrination there is. Ancestral pain and hurt. I was so blocked in many ways that when it came to my sexuality I was also blocking everything else in my life from happening. Long story short, life became a struggle and hustle.
The most liberation comes from freeing ourselves from these dogmas, these subconscious beliefs that we all carry more or less.
And dear ladies, you can get great liberation from knowing how to make delicious love to yourselves.
Make it a habit.
I invite every one of you to do a self-pleasure challenge. Go for at least 7 days, but honestly don’t ever stop, ladies.
Don’t ever stop enjoying and loving on yourselves and your beautiful bodies, the world and everything that’s in it.
You will find so many deeper ways of feeling and being. You will get to know yourselves in ways you never thought were possible. You will unlock a lot of your potential. And it feels so freaking good.
Self-pleasure as a tool of self-exploration.
See it as part of self-exploration. It’s an ongoing journey of deepening your feeling and being.
It’s infinite, because that’s who you are: infinite. And isn’t that great news?! You can never get bored of and with yourselves!!!
Now, as I said I categorize pleasure into different types. But there are also different stages of sensual and sexual pleasure.
Let me first go into the different stages:
- Superficial pleasure – that’s the I’m-always-busy-and-in-a-rush mentality, it may be trauma based.
The following are only a few characteristics.
Disclaimer: Please don’t feel bad or ashamed or guilty when you find yourselves in one or several of them. It’s all about becoming aware of our actions and why we do the things we do. Once we are aware we can change our behaviors.
- Being disconnected from body, mind and soul
- Fear of intimacy
- Not feeling worthy
- Having a lot of sexual partners at once or moving from one partner to another (as a way of escaping and numbing)
- Addiction to porn
- Having a dysregulated nervous system
- Always seeking instant gratification (mostly on social media, and what I call filter mania)
- Not making time to eat and enjoy food properly
- Not being present with the people in your life
- Not making enough time for yourself
- Phone addiction
- Poor partner choice or ending up in always the same relationships
- Not getting your needs met
- Not spending time to appreciate the little and beautiful things in life
- Being overly narrow-focused & goal-oriented
- Constant stimulation & overstimulation
- Poor self-care practices and food choices
- Drug abuse and addiction
- Food addiction
- Too much alcohol (drug abuse)
- Little or no exercise
- [and fill in the blank]
I assume that’s where 50% of the population resides. And I’m being quite generous with my guesses.
- Mediocre Pleasure
- All the above but having a sense of awareness of it, feeling the call for deeper connection.
- Not feeling worthy of getting all of your needs met
- When it comes to sexual stimulation: going for clitoral orgasms only
- Not believing that the deeper orgasms such as G-spot, cervical or squirting orgasms are for you
- When it comes to sexual intimacy with yourself and/or your partner: once a week, maybe the ‘let’s turn the lights off’ kinda sex,
- Your sex life is good but not really fulfilling – you know that there’s way more. You just know it.
- When the partner’s not really in tune with you and you aren’t with them either
- When they ejaculate too early and you think it sucks but hey, you heard that that was normal because ‘it happens to everybody’
That’s what I guess makes 30 % – 35% of the population.
And there’s this: super delicious
- Super delicious, exquisite pleasure
- This is where fulfillment is found!
- Getting your needs met
- A deep level of intimacy
- Being kind to yourself, others, and nature
- Being in tune with yourself and your partner
- Taking care of yourself
- Healing past trauma and hurts,
- Doing shadow and integration work
- Enjoying the beauty of life in all things and beings
- Having long-lasting love sessions with yourself and/or your partner
- Living fully and going for your dreams
- Having a strong self care practice
- Taking care of your body
- [fill in the blank]
And that’s the rest 15%, and I guess that’s still quite generous.
Deep within we all wanna experience this type of pleasure. And if you’re reading this you are on your way, or you are already living it.
For this to happen we have to work ourselves through a jungle of self-reclamation and shadow work. And allow ourselves to be open and receive.
Now, let’s get to some types of pleasure:
- exploring yourself through all of your senses: taste, touch, smell, sound, vision
2. Energetic Pleasure
- your sixth sense: opening yourself up to universal energies, fantasies, visions
- feeling uplifted, elevated emotions,
- flow of energy moving through bodies
- a flow of spirit
- bliss, states of ecstasy by being touched by the divine
- making energetic love to your partner when you are physically apart from another.
- making love through and with the third eye and making love through and with the heart (this is really juicy and a whole other level of intimacy)
3. Sexual Pleasure
- experiencing pleasure through direct genital stimulation,
- Clitoral, G-spot, cervical and squirting orgasms
- intercourse, etc.
How to master the art of pleasure
So, here’s the thing: we can experience pleasure everyday all day long.
We can make love to everything and the entire world, and I don’t mean in a sexual way. I highly suggest that you start there before you go for what you know as self-gratification or masturbation.
Start by becoming aware of how you walk and how you move your body.
- Is it rigid or is it in flow? And what feels better: rigid or in flow?
- Become aware of the food you eat, and enjoy every single bite of what you eat. Let it melt your tongue.
- Listen to music that stimulates all of your senses, that moves you from the inside and touches your heart and/or spirit.
- Touch your body consciously and really feel.
- Stroke your body, massage your feet, hands, and neck. Stroke your legs and arms.
- Have the intention to connect with your body.
- Get a massage and enjoy the pleasure that comes from it.
Pleasure to me is inhaling beauty with all of my senses, with all of my spirit. Pleasure is the ultimate relaxation.
When we are relaxed we are open, our guards are down and we give ourselves away to the flow of the present moment. We are connected. We receive.
The Benefits of Self-Pleasure:
- awaking to a deeper meaning of self
- liberating yourself from the past
- a more fulfilled and joyful life
- feeling more content and happy
- enjoying the simple things in life
- nervous system regulation
- more confidence and better health
- more vitality because all stuck energy gets released
- being a better person, mother, better partner, better friend
- being more present
- being open to receive
- feeling worthy
- manifesting amazing things that weren’t possible before
- making love to life, and life’s making love back to you
- stepping into your power, sovereignty and purpose
- being ledge your inner wisdom, being tapped in, trusting your intuition
- having clear and strong boundaries
- you’re unfuckwithable
- more self-trust, more faith
- better and amazing sex with your partner
- being fully opened like a flower being penetrated by this golden elixir
- less worries, less stress, anxiety and fears
- better social life
- better performance at work
- speaking your truth
- radiating beauty
- being more compassionate and forgiving with others
- having strong boundaries
- enjoying life to the fullest
- claiming all of you and your Divine Feminine
- more peace, more ease, more relaxed
- more satisfied, more content
The Downside of Superficial, Unconscious Pleasure:
- when it’s superficial it can become addictive, and destructive
- not being able to have deep and long-lasting relationships
- jumping from one partner to the next
- feeling empty and purposeless
- being shallow, shallow breathing
- feeling unfulfilled, agitated, frustrated
- using SP to escape your feelings and emotions
- losing touch with yourself
- becoming frustrated and unfulfilled
What happens when you open up:
- the moment you self-pleasure you start opening the portal to our innermost radiance.
- your entire energetic field emits this radiance out into the world and it will be received by everyone who has eyes and a heart.
- if you wanna manifest our significant other, explore yourself and manifest him/her through delicious pleasure.
- anything really that you want you can create from simply feeling good. And allowing pleasure is allowing yourself to feel good.
So, how to allow for even more pleasure?
Well, we basically covered that but I wanna nail it down to some important ways.
How to bring more pleasure into your life is to allow yourself to actually feel good and that there’s nothing wrong or superficial about feeling good. That also means you will have to shed everything that’s in the way of deserving, expressing yourself and experiencing pleasure. And this can be quite deep work that is not always so pleasurable at first. But releasing the wounds of the past is a necessary step on your way to feeling good and liberating yourself.
Let’s get practical. I break it down to you even more:
- Start by making love to yourself
- do breast massages
- massage your body
- make it a daily ritual and ceremony – make it beautiful
- allow for now interruption
- take at least 30 mins. The longer the better – It oftentimes does take at least 30 mins for a woman to get out of her head, so she can actually feel her body, connect with her body and be present with her emotions and feelings. With more practice this will of course be easier after a period of time. But please don’t rush things.
- do a self-pleasure challenge for 7 better for 30 days, and again never stop. Learn how to prioritize yourself and this sacred time you have with yourself, everything else can wait. You are important. If you need permission, you have my permission. Your state of being is more important than anything else.
- it is okay if pain and memories of the past come up. This is a great opportunity to move through all of it and to release what you held in your body. You shed skins. You are birthing yourself anew.
- there will be days when you don’t feel like it, give yourself to you anyway: start really gently by, for example, making yourself a cup of tea, dancing, singing, lying on your back and doing nothing, proceed then – only if it feels right – to touching your body. Or you may wanna bring up a mental picture, a situation, a fantasy that feels good and pleasurable. Ride the wave of the feeling, the energetics
I hope this was helpful and that it could ignite something within you. Please, take this as an inspiration only. Always educate yourself, and most importantly feel into your body. You know what’s best for you.
If you’d rather listen to it, I recorded a podcast episode as well. Listen here.