My Mid-Year Review 01/2023 – 06/2023:
Going through the fires of transformation, Soul Searching & Healing
When I look back at the past six months I cannot quite believe that everything that happened actually did happen.
Last week already feels like a lifetime ago. What happened to time? Do you, too, feel that time has changed?
Nowadays, everything is so fast-paced and so much happens only in one day. The amount of events and things we experience in only 1 week is comparable to the events and things that happened in 1 year just a few years ago.
We’re shifting and changing timelines. It’s actually quite incredible. But it can also be extremely exhausting and challenging, especially for the body to catch up with all the new energy coming in. We’re being changed on a cellular level. The body needs “time” to adjust.
Do you also sometimes think to yourself: “Wow, if I had known what would ultimately happen, I’d never have walked this path.”
It’s good that we don’t know. That way we’re going for our dreams, taking risks, and experiencing personal growth.
Taking risks. And sometimes it breaks your heart and it cuts so deep that you think you will never ever recover from it. But eventually you will. But it has changed you forever.
These past six months have shaken me to the core of my being. I’ve been stripped naked to the rawest version of myself. A big initiation, a course correction, the dark night of the soul.
From re-entering a romantic relationship, creating a new online course and launching it, making future plans and planting seeds, to the passing of a dear friend, to the tragic death of my beloved cousin, and facing betrayal and an abrupt breakup at the same time, which has left me in deep shock.
It took a lot of time to be able to articulate and even comprehend the insurmountable loss and heartache.
But there were also wonderful moments of connection and healing, my travels, seeing my friends and rebuilding my life – picking up the pieces that were left of me and the life that I thought I’d be living.
January 2023 – A Year of New Beginnings
The New Year started out very exciting.
I spent New Year’s Eve by myself. I don’t like these loud parties where people drink a lot of alcohol. Not that I don’t like parties in general, but the older I get the more I prefer a quiet space with a select number of like-hearted and -minded people, or simply being by myself.
I love reflecting on the past months before the year closes. To me it’s a very sacred time to go inward and set new intentions, new goals and be in ceremony. A cozy cabin in the snow-capped mountains is more my thing.
I believe that it’s our intention and the devotion to that intention that sets the right foundation and the scaffolding for the next 12 months to come.
I meditated into 2023 to one of my favorite Dr. Joe Dispenza – meditations, and at around 1 a.m. I opened my eyes coming out of the meditation, and greeted the new year.
There’s so much magic and anticipation on the first day of the new year, and I love it. You can take that energy and really create momentum with it, or you don’t and leave it up to the fates. I find it fascinating.
2023 – A 7 YEAR in Numerology
Without going into too much detail, 2023 simply put is a 7 YEAR.
A 7 YEAR (2+(0)+2+3 = 7) is a year of deep spiritual awakening, and personal and spiritual growth. It requires a lot of internal work, self-reflection and inward focus. Collectively, we’re going through a massive inner evolution and transformation, and it will be felt on all levels and planes of existence.
More and more people will wake up to their spiritual truth & self, and allow a higher wisdom to enter their consciousness.
We all feel that the world as we know it is changing rapidly.
This year will shake up a lot of things we thought we’d know and want, only to realize that it was merely an illusion. It’s gonna be interesting to see what the future holds for the next 6 months.
My destiny number is number 7. (not to be confused with the Life Path Number).
So this 7 YEAR has a high impact on me and my destiny, or shall I call it my next destination?
And oh boy, how this has proven to be true. It’s fascinating to me how it all plays out, and how everything is interconnected. It’s all synchronistic. You cannot make this stuff up.
Number 7 is my favorite number, it always has been.
Spiritual growth in all its forms brings me to this year’s main frequency…
Embodiment – My Word for 2023
At the end of each year a word usually comes to me that holds the frequency and energy for the upcoming year. It’s always very exciting, because even if it is just a word it holds so much potential, so many possibilities, so many teachings. Not knowing what it will bring is very exciting.
My word for 2023 is Embodiment.
Now in hindsight – as I’m writing this review in July of 2023 – I could’ve never fathomed what intensive learnings and lessons “Embodiment” would actually mean and bring.
This deserves an entire blog post in and of itself because it’s that huge. And I will definitely write about it in December of 2023.
I thought it would be a year of a lot of peace and calm, joy and love. And I guess it is in some way or it will be, or I’m learning it, “but first, Universe, bring me the teachings to know what it means to really embody peace, calm, joy and love, right?!” Oh geez.
I’m glad we don’t know what the future holds otherwise we would probably chicken out and never live life because of all the challenges we know that lie ahead.
Now I know “Embodiment” to me is the initiation, the rite of passage to become my most authentic self. And well, that of course brings up a lot of stuff – like literally everything that hasn’t been looked at or integrated.
2023 – My 9 YEAR
Later on in January I realized that this year – in numerology – is my 9 YEAR. And it ties in perfectly with the rest mentioned above.
When in a 9 YEAR, we complete a nine-year cycle of our life which means we wrap things up of the past nine years, we complete unfinished business and usually we get the chance to review everything from a greater perspective to close chapters and prepare ourselves for a new one, a new life cycle.
It’s promising as it is very challenging and trying since things have to come to an end or need to be completed, and when we resist that we’ll feel the oh-so often bitter consequences of it.
I love working with numerology and the pulse of the collective as it works like a compass that keeps me focused on my north star.
A New Business Opportunity – SOMBA Kickstart Affiliate
Earlier in November 2022 I joined Sigrun’s SOMBA Kickstart Affiliate program as an – guess what – affiliate.
You can read more about it here. This launch marathon was such a big learning experience for my own business and it was so much fun.
In the beginning of November of last year I just went through a very painful breakup and so this opportunity came right on time and I put all of myself in it.
I love a good challenge and I love growth, as much as I dislike the discomfort of it – I mean who does, ey – I know I perform my best when I’m being stretched and challenged.
Sigrun did her very famous 12 Days of Masterclasses over Christmas and New Year’s and she did them all live for the first time. Wow, what a commitment and dedication. Such a role model.
So on January 1, I joined her live Masterclass at 10 am (CET) and I was amazed by how many women and a few men showed up as well. I loved the accountability of the participants. It was magic, it created a lot of momentum.
It was an amazing experience to be an affiliate and I cannot wait for the next round.
I then decided to take part in SOMBA Kickstart for the fourth time and created a whole new online program all about friendship and sisterhood which would launch on February 20.
I was so excited about this 4-week online course. More to this later.
Healing My Body
Living a holistic lifestyle and trusting my body’s own healing abilities is very important to me. I’m a total health nut.
I’ve been following Medical Medium for a couple of years, and I started drinking celery juice in 2018. There were times when I had celery juice every morning and then weeks when I didn’t.
But in the beginning of 2023 I made the firm decision to heal my thyroid condition and ADHD. Since I’m a certified Medical Intuitive myself I knew that there was a connection between these two and I knew that I had the Epstein-Barr-Virus and that that was linked to my thyroid condition and other physical ailments.
I was given the book Thyroid Healing by Medical Medium by a friend, and I started delving into it. It blew my mind to say the least.
Once I’m convinced about something, I don’t wait: I go all in.
So I started the Medical Medium protocol: First thing in the morning 0.5 l lemon water, followed by 0.5 l celery juice and afterwards the heavy metal detox smoothie. I was cutting out gluten, soy and reducing my fat/oil consumption to a minimum.
I had to break the protocol once in a while, especially when I was traveling but as soon as I got back home I picked up where I left off and what can I tell: this protocol works. I’ll talk about this in a separate blog-article soon.
I highly recommend anybody getting familiar with Medical Medium’s books. But more on that later.
Rekindling of the Relationship
During all of that time, in the beginning of January, me and my ex-partner reconnected after an almost 2 months long break and reunited.
It all felt very aligned and we both have grown, and I was very optimistic about our new relationship and the future of it.
There was something so magickal about our connection, how we met, how we got together, and what we have ignited in each other, it was truly beautiful.
The way we met and also all things that have transpired to make this relationship happen were simply out of this world, at least on my side of the story.
So many synchronicities, signs and serendipities surrounded that relationship that my best friend Mai said at some point – and I’m paraphrasing: “Okay, now I’m a believer, too.”
Well, you can tell by the way I’m framing it here that it didn’t work in the end. But more about it later.
February 2023 – Letting Go
February started off so great.
End of January, I finally got to see my then partner again after not being with him for over 3 months. He lives in the South of Germany and I’m up here, in Berlin.
Long distance relationships are tricky and can be quite hard to keep alive. It’s not easy.
I’m at an age where I want to be with my partner on a regular basis. I want to build a life together. I want to live together.
Plus, for me physical connection and quality time are two of my main love languages. I thrive on being with my partner, I thrive when I’m close to my partner, when I know that he’s simply around and I don’t have to travel nearly 700 kilometers to see him.
But this connection was worth it. I had so much love for this man; and you know, in love and life we gotta take risks, right?
And I was planning to move down south anyway, long before we even met. So it was just a question of time and logistics.
It was so good to be surrounded by so much nature and mountains (gosh, how I love mountains!) Even though it was just a few days, I felt invigorated. I was so hopeful for our future together. It was a wonderful time and I’m truly grateful for it.
Designing and Promoting my New Online Course: Thriving Sisters
But of course I couldn’t leave work for that long. Even though I work remotely, being back in Berlin was important. My coaching clients were waiting and I was pretty busy with designing and promoting my new online course called Thriving Sisters. I was so excited to launch this course: On a personal level it meant so much to me.
It takes a lot of energy and time to launch a course or program, so I had to give it my all.
And I loved the process.
72 women signed up for Thriving Sisters. And February 20 was the official start: The first module was released.
Navigating Grief and Excitement at the Same Time.
On the morning of Monday, February 20, the glorious New Moon in Pisces, I received the heartbreaking news that my beautiful friend Gisela passed away.
Even though it wasn’t unexpected, it still hit me hard. She had such a big and beautiful heart. She was so genuine and radiant.
I cannot wrap my head around why such wonderful people have to leave so early.
A week before Gisela transitioned, she/her spirit came to me in one of my Dr. Joe Dispenza meditations. She was a dedicated meditator and so committed to this work like me, and when she came to me she was dancing, flying and so happy. “Nadine, it feels so good here. I don’t have any pain. I am free.” and she was smiling and frolicking.
And that way I knew her soul, her body, her spirit decided to part from this world.
You can prepare for someone’s passing, but when it eventually happens it’s so hard to let go. And a part of you goes with them.
I had a hard time navigating through my grief and at the same time allowing myself to feel the excitement that I had for the women participating in Thriving Sisters.
One of my friends who also took part in the online course said that this course came exactly at the right time it needed to, so that I myself could feel the support of women, something that I taught in Thriving Sisters. And she was right.
I strongly believe – everything happens for a reason, there’s nothing by chance but always something greater at play.
Taking a Break and Recuperating
While I was busy with my online course and feeling the loss and grief, I needed to be with my partner at that time. So I traveled to the Swabian Alb to spend some quality time with him and work from there.
It’s so crucial to find and do things that bring us joy when we are grieving the passing of a loved one.
Traveling can help us move through these challenging times and emotions, and letting ourselves be held and supported by our partner, friends and family during that time is equally important.
It is okay to break apart. It’s okay to feel joy. And it’s okay to be totally heartbroken and at the same time feel excited.
Grief is not linear. Sometimes we laugh ourselves through it, and sometimes we cry and weep. Sometimes grief consumes us completely, and sometimes it lets us breathe new fresh air. But it always cracks us open, brings up a new and raw version of ourselves that we didn’t know exists.
Something new is born in us as we let go and allow death to take all the parts that can no longer prevail in this new version that is emerging.
March 2023 – Realigning and Recharging
Thriving Sisters – 4 Weeks Are Coming to an End.
It was a wonderful journey through female relationships and I was over the moon that so many of the participants got so much out of it. It has transformed me as well.
In my opinion we as women need to form stronger connections with each other. We need a strong support network that we can rely on and feel safe in, so that we can express ourselves authentically and vulnerably. It’s about deep inner work and healing all sorts of wounds that have been inflicted on us by women or that we have inflicted on women.
Sisterhood is strong and powerful and can move mountains. We thrive when we’re surrounded by other women who want our best. The entire world thrives on strong sisterhood connections.
Celebrating All Women and Their Achievements
It was so lovely to get such lovely feedback from the participants of Thriving Sisters. I was deeply touched and it showed me again why I’m doing what I’m doing.
Here are a few testimonials that I received after the course was done:
Nadine is a fantastic woman helping you in healing and thriving. She has great energy, is supportive and calm. When you attend her Q&As, you seem to be sitting on a yacht on the sea – calm, comforted, and at peace. She gives you so much unconditional love that you start loving yourself. It is deeply transformational, and I recommend it. I improved my relations with other women – I healed and opened up for other women. And those friendships that I started rebuilding now start growing and help me be at peace. This was AWESOME! You have to join when Nadine decides to open the door for the next round of this course. It is priceless! – Beata, Poland
The course instructor made each module extremely easy to understand and each lecture contained a lot of valuable information – it wasn’t a super strict, formal course which allowed it to feel like you were learning from a friend or a sister. – Sierra, USA
I’m so grateful and my heart is open. I love holding space for women as they are on their healing journey. And we all are, myself included. It is a never-ending unfolding and discovery of the soul’s journey.
“Gratitude is the ultimate state of receivership.” – Dr. Joe Dispenza
Attending the Funeral – Traveling to Baden-Württemberg & Bavaria
In the middle of March I traveled down south again to spend some time with my then partner and to drive to Bavaria for my friend Gisela’s funeral.
It was a time well spent. My then partner and I spent a lot of times outdoors hiking in the Swabian Alb, making campfires and connecting on a deeper level. It was very harmonious and it soothed my heart and soul.
Nature is healing and I love being in nature.
I love hiking even if that means facing my fear of heights on a regular basis, which is a good thing I guess.
When I’m there I feel what I’ve been missing here in Berlin. It’s that spaciousness, the fresh and clean air, and of course the mountains.
It was the perfect getaway for me, calming and relaxing my nervous system. Just what I needed to prepare for the funeral.
We went to Bavaria to attend Gisela’s funeral and say goodbye. So many people came to farewell her, it was truly moving. A part of me still can’t believe that she’s not here anymore.
Grief takes us to places we’ve never been to.
The ceremony of saying goodbye to a loved one is so imperative for our own healing, for letting go and moving on. It’s bitter-sweet.
April 2023 – a Tsunami of Unexpected and Heartbreaking Events
Part of why publishing this mid-year review has taken me longer than I thought it would is due to the fact that revisiting all these events has taken me through quite a few heavy emotions and reflecting on many things. It’s another cycle of my healing journey.
I also didn’t know what I wanna make public and what I wanna keep to myself. How much vulnerability is good and how much is too much.
I decided to tell my story and that I cannot leave out the messy stuff, the deep and painful stuff. I won’t get into everything but I try to give as much context as needed.
I hope that this will inspire some of you, especially when you are going through heavy things right now.
No one of us has figured it out. We’re all in this together.
We’re all perfectly flawed, trying to make this life as beautiful as we can.
Healing is a never ending process. May this story show you how strong and powerful you are, and that you can overcome rock bottom and the most difficult times in your life.
By sharing our stories – of course always discerning how much and with whom we share – we can ignite and heal each other.
“Es sind Geschichten, sie einen diese Welt.” (It’s the stories that unite this world) – Herbert Grönemeyer
April 1st – No April Fool’s Joke –The Energies Shifted
On April 1st, I suddenly felt a shift in energies. I thought I had an anxiety attack or a burn out. But I guess I just felt what was coming. But I couldn’t grasp what it was. I just knew something big was coming.
It was a Saturday. I found myself on the bathroom floor crying like I have never cried before. Noises were leaving my weeping body that I never heard from myself. I felt such a deep pain in my chest.
The night before I had a dream that my partner at that time betrayed and left me. There was something different about that dream from all the other dreams which made it so real. Those prophetic dreams that I’ve been having since childhood are quite something, and not always pleasant.
And lo and behold, it shook me to my core. I believe we all have the ability to anticipate certain events that are collapsing into 3D from a potential in the field, and I also believe that these events are (almost) unpreventable because a timeline suddenly shifted and that potential of that timeline got so dense that there no other way for it to ultimately manifest in 3D. And so, the die is cast. We feel the turn of fates and can only surrender to it.
Glimpses of the Future – The Gift of Precognition
For all my life I have been having flashes/glimpses of the future, they always come unannounced. Sometimes in dreams and often throughout the day. This phenomenon is called precognition or clear-cognizance. (I recorded a podcast episode about that topic a couple of years ago which you can listen to here.)
I tried to rationalize what was happening by telling myself that my partner and I are good, looking at our last text messages which were sweet and warm. They didn’t indicate anything of that matter.
But as much as I have tried to override those sensations and emotions I couldn’t. He was working at a business event that weekend, so I knew he would not be available much. But not getting any messages from him that day or even on the following day, scared and worried me a lot. It was unlike him.
I talked to my close friends, trying to stay calm, but also not accepting this kind of behavior. – In a relationship both partners have to consider each other’s feelings and wellbeing. There’s no other way around when we want to build healthier and stronger relationships. –
And I knew he was doing fine since I saw posts of him on social media smiling and seeming to be having a blast.
When he finally replied after a day he was very short with me and I didn’t feel any warmth and love, and of course this worried me a lot.
“There’s nothing wrong with you for being anxious when they withdraw.”
I love this quote by Jillian Turecki and I hope it speaks to some of you. It has many truths.
“There’s nothing wrong with you for being anxious when they withdraw.
You’re not crazy for feeling crazy when they do not communicate.
It’s not because you have anxious attachment that you feel anxious when they give you mixed messages.
It’s not your fear of abandonment that makes you uneasy with a lot of time apart.
The only thing that’s wrong is that you don’t validate your feelings and stand up for what you know you deserve.
Stop diagnosing yourself for being human.”
What a powerful message!
The time between that text message and the call with him later that evening was very hard. I felt everything breaking apart, especially my heart. It is difficult to put into words because it was all energy. I could feel that something was brewing, and it was beyond that relationship.
I talked to three of my friends to simply not go crazy. I also knew that this was a big red flag for me. I’ve been working on myself relentlessly in the past 10 years, doing the inner work, therapy, the shadow work and constantly upgrading myself. So, I knew in my bones that this is not a behavior I can ever accept, especially seeing which impact it had on my nervous system.
This is not how we build strong and safe relationships.
Relationships are meant to feel safe
Can we make mistakes? Sure, we all do, because we all get unconscious at times and make poor choices based on that. And I am a believer of sorting things out and repairing things. But it takes two in a relationship.
Kudos to my friends that were there. They listened, held space, and picked me up.
What are we without true friends?!? (Thank you my MaiMai, thank you to my dear Katya, and thank you to my lovely Trene for being there for me, holding me in your love and making sure that I was okay).
Later that evening my then partner and I had a call where he was warmer towards me but there was also no room for me to tell him how his distance made me feel.
I knew that something was off and would happen.
Earlier on Saturday, I booked myself a Coherence Healing session for Sunday evening with one of the authorized groups by Dr. Joe Dispenza.
I was looking forward to it. Self care is my biggest priority and I know that in moments like these I have to take extra good care of myself whether that is through meditation, good food, movement, talking to a good friend, booking myself a session – because let’s be honest we all need mentors – or doing all the above together.
The Coherence Healing was absolutely magnificent. And I can only recommend people to get one for themselves, and of course to start doing the work of Dr. Joe.
It was such a vivid experience. And I have felt an enormous love coming from the healers. It was out of this world. The energy moved from my sacrum up to my heart where it would linger for the remainder of the healing.
I felt carried and held
I felt carried by the hands of the healers and there I layed peacefully and worthy to receive their love. The energy cracked me open and I cried because of the joy and love I felt. The heavy weight lifted and I felt the energy performing a healing on my heart. My whole body was warm and tingling. So many other things happened during this healing that I want to keep to myself.
It was exactly what I needed.
And here’s a little message to all the women that feel unworthy or that feel they need to work hard or harder in order to receive and be loved: You are enough. Please surrender that control, surrender the program that you have to do it all by yourself and that you first need to burn out or stretch yourself thin in order to allow yourself some rest. You are worthy. And you deserve to be loved the way you need to be.
Open yourself up, overcome yourself and let yourself receive. There’s nothing for you to do to be worthy of support, love and abundance.
I’m glad I opened myself up to this opportunity.
Only a couple of days later I really understood the importance and impact that this healing would have on the days and weeks to follow.
April 6th – The Day I Found Out My Cousin Was Killed
I took some days off. As I said before, I felt a tsunami coming and no matter what I did the feeling would not subside. I saw a doctor and therapist on April 3 and afterwards I took some time off and gave myself some rest.
In the early afternoon of April 6th I took a nap to recalibrate and relax my nervous system. I woke up to a message on my phone from an unknown number.
The Moment My Life Changed Forever
This person mentioned the name of my cousin, and I didn’t really know what they were talking about until I read the words “My condolences.”
The next moments I can only describe as a nightmare. I messaged that person and only minutes later – what felt like an eternity – they told me what had happened: that my cousin was brutally killed with a knife.
I was desperate and in disbelief. I called my mother. She was at work and didn’t answer. I told her to call me right back. I called my father and cried the whole time. I called my best friend. I was going up and down my apartment. She asked me to breathe because I was hyperventilating.
It was all a nightmare.
My mother called me back and we both just cried. We were both in total shock.
I have never felt such pain in my life. My best friend checked in on me multiple times to make sure that I was okay.
I broke into pieces. And I did not know where to go and what to do.
The following days are blurry to me. My nervous system shut down, I was only functioning to the bare minimum. I was in my bed most of the time, trying to sleep which was hard. I couldn’t do much. There was so much darkness surrounding me.
It is always hard to lose people we love, but when someone gets killed by the hands of another human being, I don’t know, it’s something different: there’s so much evil and darkness involved in it.
“It’s what happens in movies but not in my life.” is what we would think.
My cousin and I had a very special bond. We grew up together. The moment I saw him when he was just a baby I instantly fell in love with him.
Daniel was 7 years younger than me and he was like my brother. I loved him dearly. He was one of his kind. A free spirit, highly-sensitive, highly talented and super intelligent.
He lived in Switzerland. His little son of only 3 years old has to grow up without his father now. It’s heart wrenching.
Not a day goes by that I don’t miss him. I still can’t fathom the depth of his loss.
The Unexpected Breakup from my Partner
After what was unfolding the past few days, it wasn’t really that unexpected but considering that couples do go through challenges and trials at times and being hopeful we can move through everything together, it actually was very abrupt.
And just like that he left right after my cousin died.
And I was done.
It was simply dreadful. The amount of betrayal I felt was overwhelming. My heart was broken into a million pieces, I was free falling. I don’t have much more to say about it except for this: you know a person’s true character by the way they handle a situation when things go down.
The Dark Night of the Soul
The days and weeks that followed were the darkest of my life. I couldn’t sleep much, always waking up to disruptive dreams and nightmares. My body was aching, I lost my appetite and a lot of weight.
I tried my best to care for myself, to drink celery juice and eat a bit. Sometimes I could only eat a date or two.
I felt so much guilt about not having been able to prevent his death from happening. I blamed myself for not having been there, for not seeing things clearer a couple of days earlier, for not sensing enough, for not knowing enough.
I blamed myself for all the times that I haven’t been there for him or the times where we would not talk much. I guess that is the usual response when we lose someone: we think of all the things we could’ve done better or different.
And then there are the moments when reality kicks in and you suddenly realize you will never see them again, never hug them again, never being able to tell them how much you love them. It is so painful.
I looked at our last text messages a couple of days prior to his death. Listening to his voice made it so unreal. His voice was still there, recorded for eternity. I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that he was gone.
The rational mind knows that no one could’ve prevented it.
One of the most painful days was when I received the pictures of his dead body laid out for family and friends. It has taken all of me. To see Daniel’s lifeless body, his suffering in his face, some dried blood coming out of his mouth, and how he was only skin and bones.
It was the hardest thing for me. It was important though, it was part of accepting that he is dead and will never come back.
My dear friend Marta, a fellow healer and Medical Intuitive, sat with me for many hours during that time working with my nervous system because I was in total shock, so much so that she was really worried about me, and to be honest I was worried as well.
The many nights that I woke up with severe physical heartache concerned me and I knew I had to take extra good care of me. I have never felt such pain, I was never in so much darkness.
This is why they call it heartbreak: the heart literally breaks.
I guess, one of the good things that came with the work that I did on myself throughout the years was that I could observe myself from the outside, seeing myself lying in bed, not being able to do much; and yet I had enough awareness that even though my body was shut down I could help myself to get some water, or do the basic things to care for myself. I had the awareness of what was happening to me.
I knew I was in a bit of a danger zone. Fragmented parts, but I also felt my higher self and other angelic beings present with me. I felt a lot of support from the ethereal realm.
It may sound bizarre to some of you but I could feel the pain and desperation my cousin was going through in the last minutes of his life.
I have never felt so much pain in my chest. I felt like I was dying.
Marta confirmed to me that our bond was so deep that I could feel everything Daniel felt in his last moments of life.
She held space for me and cleared a lot of dark energy around me. She was like an emotional midwife.
The darkness that is connected to such crimes is not to mess with. I mean it.
Thank you, Marta, for holding me in your gentle and powerful presence, so that I could heal and find back to myself.
When someone dies a part of us dies with them.
The Red Thread
My beautiful friend Katya met me on Easter Sunday, when everything was still so fresh. It was a gray and rainy day. We met in Kreuzberg, Berlin, for a walk and then went to a lovely café. She had some red thread with her that she got from her mother. This red thread was blessed in Israel and it is usually worn on the left wrist to protect oneself from evil and negative energy.
It was a beautiful ritual of sisterhood. She tied the red thread around my wrist with seven knots and I did the same for her.
I still wear it. It has not fallen off yet.
Support from friends and family, and the Dr. Joe Community
The amount of loving text messages and love I got from people was wonderful. Feeling that people care in times like these is truly healing. We need each other, we are social creatures. The power of comforting words can change how someone feels, so we should never hold back on expressing our care and love for one another.
My bestie Mai was there every day, caring and mentoring me through the loss and breakup. Even though we live so far apart, it felt like she was right there with me. – And I wanna take this moment to recommend to you her amazing YouTube channel which you can check out here.
I had calls with Marta on a regular basis doing healing and cleansing work. I can’t stress enough the power of this kind of work. Having someone such as a therapist, coach, mentor, healer or guide is imperative in our healing journey.
My parents came to visit and help me which brought me also closer to them.
It’s okay to break apart in front of our friends and family and let ourselves be carried when we cannot carry ourselves.
I got wonderful flowers from friends and people reaching out to me to go for a walk, even though I was a mess and not really myself.
I forced myself to go outside and do “normal” things, to meet people and start enjoying the beautiful things in life again. It’s not easy at all but oh-so necessary. The days when you just want to climb under your blanket and disappear. But I knew I had to start moving and living my life again.
At some point I understood the impact of the Coherence Healing session I had in the beginning of April. I strongly believe that it saved me from experiencing severe heart damage.
I am beyond grateful for and to this community. So many of them have reached out to me to send their love and support. I received heartwarming messages from fellow meditators of the Dr. Joe community that gave me hope.
One of the things that I enjoy the most is food. After a while my appetite came back and I started to eat delicious vegan meals again.
Clearing Up Space
After the tower comes down and we’re being faced with the destruction in our lives it’s time to clean up the space and pick up the pieces that are left. I have no idea where it’ll take me from here, but I know for sure it will be away from Berlin. It’s simply not the place for me to thrive and feel good in. I’ve spent so many years in this very busy, hectic and sometimes very harsh city. It’s just not for me any longer. I’ll write about it in an extra blog article at some point.
My time here is coming to an end. I want to move down south, I want to be surrounded by mountains and water.
My friend Fritzi helped me with clearing up my basement. That way I intended to open up the energy for new possibilities and also not worrying about clearing it all up when I finally move out. I just want to have everything ready.
It felt so good and it felt good to do it with someone who enjoys stuff like that. Those are my kinda people.
New Growth – My Apple Tree
Over 8 years ago I planted a little Gala apple seed into a little pot on my balcony and it grew into a wonderful and very unique apple tree. There’s a certain magic surrounding the things we grow with our own hands. I love planting trees and I love my apple tree. I have documented her (yes, she is a she) whole journey which I’ll be uploading on my website very soon.
Last year she granted me her first florescence and one apple. It was such a delight to see those little buds turn into the most delicate and beautiful blossoms. It was quite symbolic of my own journey.
When I saw the new pink blossoms this year, my heart instantly softened. My apple tree reminds me of the power of beauty in times of chaos and pain, she reminds me of the cycles we go through, the many seasons we navigate, and the power of life itself. Life goes on and on and on.
May 2023 – Healing and Picking Up the Pieces
Healing my Body, Heart, and Soul with Medical Medium Protocols
Grief comes in waves and it is unapologetic. It takes us through seasons of heavy pouring rain and storms, then through times where there is more stillness and the sky is blue and clear.
I decided to take extra good care of my body and prevent my body from shedding lots of hair and weight in the next coming months. I’ve learnt from past emotional trauma and the impact it had on my body even months after the traumatic event had happened.
And this time I could feel that the emotional and psychological stress has affected my body heavily and I wanted to prevent further damage from happening and repair my body as much as I can.
As I mentioned earlier, I’ve been following Medical Medium’s work for many years, and being a Medical Intuitive myself and a total health nut, I was quite motivated to learn even more and heal my body. I knew that due to the trauma and stress dormant physical ailments got triggered or reactivated.
Focusing myself on my healing kept me busy and positively distracted from being absorbed by grief. It’s been getting me through the waves of grief much, much better.
Taking time off of Work
In order to heal I needed to take time off. There was no other way to do it. It was just too much all at once. Even though it put even more pressure on me, I needed to extend my break from working with my clients and creating content for my audience. I made some exceptions but realized soon how exhausted my body actually was.
In one of my meditations I heard my own voice reaching out to me: “Nadine, you just can’t go back to doing things the way you did.”
I believe that everything that happens has a specific message. One significant message for me in all of this was/is to slow down and find a different way to work without burning myself out. And no matter how much I tried to get back to “work”, my body wouldn’t let me. In the past I tended to undertake too much. Simply because I had a reservoir of good energy meant for me I can use it all up. And very often that would backfire heavily.
I feel like there’s almost a certain expectation that grief has an expiry date. Especially in this modern society where we almost run from everything that can invoke the tiniest little bit of feeling or emotion, it’s expected to be done and dusted after some time has passed (a week or a month).
Grief does something to and with us. It changes us. Grief is unapologetic, and it comes and goes, it changes its stage and form, then morphs into something else, then morphs back to when it all started, then brings yet another wave of healing and heart-opening.
Grief wants to be felt. I had no other choice but to surrender and be with it.
The Afterlife of Billy Fingers
One of the messages I received was from Alice Smeets – we met at the Completion Process Practitioner training by and with Teal Swan in May 2016. She was moved by what happened and wanted to send me a book that has helped her on her grieving and healing journey when a loved one passed away. What a wonderful gesture!
It arrived on May 25. I started reading it right away. It put me through a whole journey of heart healing, crying, releasing, laughing, and crying and releasing. I felt so much closer to my cousin and I knew he was free. It was as if Daniel was speaking to me through this book. It was out of this world.
After finishing the book, I sent a copy to my mother and my cousin so that they too could feel a sense of relief.
I highly recommend this book.
I’m deeply grateful for all the love and care I received from friends and acquaintances during that time.
Being in Nature & Meeting Friends & Finding Beauty in the Mess
May was a heavy month of processing and healing. After the first shock was gone and finding ways to express what had happened, it felt as if another door to my healing journey opened.
Trying to help with the funeral arrangements from a distance, trying to figure out what truly happened and the darkness surrounding it took a toll on me.
But I made an effort to meet my friends and go into nature, and find beauty in the mess and start enjoying life again.
Nature is the ultimate healer. Feeling Mother Earth’s heartbeat, slowing down and reconnecting with myself as much as I can was what I needed the most.
And I’m glad that sunglasses exist. It allows one to be outside and hide their tears, and cry when they need to cry without feeling awkward about it or fearing that people might see.
May is one of the most beautiful months in Berlin. At that time of year I actually like Berlin the most. And it also felt like new life was flowing through me and invigorating my spirit.
And I’m always amazed by what human beings are capable of balancing emotionally. All the ugly and the mess in between the beauty and joy. It all is there at the same time. I guess that is what it means to be human: to allow and be it all.
I filled my apartment with beautiful (mostly pink) flowers and started fueling my body with some yoga practices and getting in some good workout. Movement is so important.
Coming back to my word for 2023: Embodiment. Little did I know what it really means and what kinds of tests, challenges and trials it would put me through. I feel a new sense of self emerging, broken open and still in my very vulnerable state like a snake who has just shed its skin.
It is about inhabiting my body fully and wholly, embodying the new version of myself that I still don’t know who she really is but I’m getting glimpses of her. Being unapologetically me – and I’m getting a taste of what that actually means, going for what I need and deserve, Feeling worthy in my own skin to receive only the best, calling in the people that bring peace and not wreak havoc, calling in all my promised people and opening up to even more beauty, expressing myself in ways I have never dared to express myself, speaking with purpose and only allowing people, things and energy into my life that add to my wellbeing and don’t take away from it. There’s always another layer of liberation and freedom, always another level of upgrading.
I’m here for a beautiful and peaceful life, with lots of adventures, a lot of love, joy and laughter.
Planting New Seeds and Surrendering to The Unknown
I have a big vision. One tree, one plant at a time. One day I hope to be the lucky owner of a fruit orchard and some sacred land I can grow my food on.
I’ve started planting seeds a couple of years ago: lemon trees, apple trees, date palm trees. I’ve been infusing my plants and trees with the intention to one day let them put down their roots on fertile ground somewhere where it’s warm, where there are mountains and a lot of water. Who knows where it will take me, but having a vision and starting to plant the seeds for it to come to fruition is making me feel so good.
And I’m just happier with my little tree friends.
I added another avocado, and a couple of mango trees to my collection, all growing from a seed of course. I enjoy observing my pear and orange seedlings getting bigger and bigger, and I’m right now making space for some new ones to join the little fruit tree family.
June 2023 – A New Outlook
Even though my body still felt exhausted I got back to some of my creative work. I also had some sessions with clients in May and June, but only a few, so that I – for the most part of my time – could relax and rest.
It felt good to be doing something that I love doing. I started re-editing my online courses and uploading them on a teaching and learning platform for my audience to purchase.
I recorded new podcast episodes and I interviewed Deanne Crewe again and had some amazing conversations all about spirit babies.
Closing my Podcast Natural Woman Alchemy and Launching She Heals Her Podcast
When I rebranded my business from Natural Woman Alchemy to She Heals Her in 2022, I was thinking of adjusting the name of my podcast, too, but that didn’t feel quite right. I’ve done that in the past when it used to be Alchemy of Heart Podcast but changing it again was not the way to go. I wanted to start from scratch.
So I kept on recording for NWA, knowing that I would soon start my new podcast. Whatever soon meant at that time. I got very busy and new things and people came into my life and I kept on going with NWA.
But this year everything simply wanted to change and be transformed and I felt the call to launch my new podcast She Heals Her.
Traveling to Switzerland & Visiting my Bestie
Traveling is my elixir, so I planned to do some traveling in this beautiful month of June. The upcoming funeral of my cousin in Switzerland at the end of June was a sad but also a good opportunity to visit my friends in Geneva and Basel. I haven’t seen my bestie Mai in almost 2 years.
Friendship and sisterhood is so important. We all need a solid network of wonderful women in our lives that we can rely on.
It felt good to be on the train and leave Berlin. It felt like I was leaving everything behind in a way. I knew that burying my cousin would be so hard and that is why I needed to see Mai and have some quality time together.
Being in Switzerland is always refreshing. I love this country. I feel very good there. The beautiful nature and mountains, the funny and lovely Swiss accent and simply their way of life.
Something just feels so good about Switzerland. It’s quieter, smaller, much more relaxed.
When I arrived in Switzerland I felt excited, tired but excited. And even if we haven’t met in almost 2 years it felt like no time had passed at all. I mean, we always talk on WhatsApp and send voice messages, so we are always connected, but meeting in person is simply another thing.
Meeting Mai – even though it was just a short visit – has fueled me with a lot of energy. I will forever cherish our moments together. We giggled, laughed and had deep conversations.
This woman has seen me at my worst and best, she’s been there for me no matter what. We met at the Completion Process Practitioner Training in 2016, and had an instant connection. We remained staying in touch throughout those years and cultivated a strong bond. She’s my Egyptian soul sister, and I’m forever grateful for and to her.
My Cousin’s Funeral
In the morning of June 28 I left beautiful city of Geneva to attend my cousin’s funeral.
The arrangement for the burial took very long and it was emotionally draining.
Ceremonies like this are so important for family members and friends to give their final honor, to say goodbye and get closure, to move forward and start the next phase of their grieving and healing journey.
Burying my cousin was one of the hardest things I ever had to do.
It was a sunny day in the beautiful Swiss canton called Bern.
Everyone who wanted to could come forward and say something about Daniel. It was beautiful to hear so many different stories of my cousin. It made me smile.
When the balloons were sent into the open sky the emotional release was huge. We all cried and held each other. It’s so hard to let go. So freaking hard.
After the ceremony was over most of us went to one of his favorite places in the woods to have some barbeque. One could feel a sense of relief in the hearts of everyone. This ceremony was so necessary for all of us.
I was truly touched because some friends from elementary school came all the way from northern Germany. I was deeply touched. What a testament to Daniel’s big heart!
Then it was time for me to go. I needed to move on, I needed to leave things behind. I got on the train to Basel, enjoying the beautiful scenery.
Visiting More Friends
Arriving in Basel felt so good. After the emotional roller coaster it was just what I needed. Shaking off the old energies, integrating everything that happened. Integration is a crucial part on our healing journey, in order for us to move on and feel a sense of completion we gotta give our nervous system time to integrate everything.
I’ve been to this beautiful Swiss city many times and with each time I’m here and start to love it more and more.
Basel and its multi-diversity
I like that it’s so small compared to Berlin, that everything is kind of nearby and not so far stretched out. It’s busy but not so hectic like the pulse in Berlin. I love its diversity, culture and its many art galleries. I feel a sense of belonging there.
Oh, and how amazing it is to swim in the Rhine river. Last year on August 8, at the Lions Gate, when the moon was almost ripe, my wonderful friend Anja Karina and I took a dip at midnight to swim into a new life. We were the only ones in the water. It was refreshing, exciting and also quite adventurous. It was refreshing, exciting and also quite adventurous. Those are the moments that are unforgettable. Those moments when you feel so alive, doing things that maybe take a bit of courage but that are oh-so worth it.
In the loving care of a genuine friend
It felt so good to be in the loving and caring presence of Anja Karina. And guess what – I also met her at the Completion Process Practitioner Training in 2016. Ever since then we’ve been friends. Anja Karina is such a strong and powerful healer and practitioner of many modalities.
I’m beyond grateful to her for all that she’s done for me. I love her. She’s one of the most genuine souls I’ve ever met. And I highly recommend her services. She’s a gem!
I left Basel after only a few days to close the month and the journey of half a year in the beautiful city of Karlsruhe in Baden-Württemberg, Germany. I met my friend Fritzi who just moved there. We had one full day and we spent it very well. A little bit of sightseeing, lovely walks, delicious food – of course we went for Ethiopian food – and had deep and beautiful conversations.
Here are some impressions.
Fritzi and I met way back in 2012 in Berlin, but our connection is Kenya.
And this is how my first 6 months of 2023 are coming to a close. So much had happened and some of it feels like lifetimes ago. I’m finishing writing this review at the beginning of August. It almost feels like I have given birth because it took so much out of me to collect all the pictures and go through and write about all the things that have happened. It is healing and I now feel I can close that chapter.
It’s a journey of loss, heartbreak, grief, of complete transformation, feeling lost and having faith, a journey of surrender and hope, of new beginnings and rebuilding my life. Embodying the version of me that has been longing to emerge for so long.
This life is beautiful. And I want to make the most of it.
Thank you for your time, dear reader.